Every time I scroll through Facebook, I discover that a new campaign has descended on my newsfeed. Breast cancer, animal cruelty, abortion, gun control, human trafficking. You name it, and Facebook users have commented on it. Sometimes the campaigns ask you to change your profile picture. Sometimes status updates are changed to some outrageous statement that makes everyone think you’re pregnant or that you have done something questionable. Then–surprise! Not pregnant, just reminding you that breast cancer exists.
I have no problem with any of these campaigns. In fact, I have been known to campaign for a few things myself. But, I do wonder if Facebook is offering a way for us to feel really good about doing nothing.
Awareness is the first step, I know. Awareness is good. But, awareness doesn’t feed hungry children or fund cancer research or do much of anything unless we are actually giving money away to the organizations that will use it for such things.
Take the No Makeup Selfies campaign that originated in the U.K. This trend has ended up raising millions of dollars for cancer research in the U.K., which is wonderful. Now, it has jumped across the pond, and American women have embraced the challenge as well, but our selfies are missing important elements for effective fundraising. Mainly, numbers to text to donate. We have ended up just filling everyone’s newsfeed with bare-faced photos as a reminder of cancer, but with no practical means of doing anything about it.
I myself have posted plenty of fiery rhetoric about abortion on Facebook, yet it’s been quite a long time since I have actually given money to a pregnancy center or some other organization that helps support pregnant women. My fear is that the need that we would normally feel to do something about tough issues and injustices in our society is being satisfied with our puny attempts at bringing up the issues on social media. Admit it–we feel brave when we write something controversial about a social problem in our world. We feel like we have sacrificed when we post our picture with no makeup on. We feel like we are real team players when we post a vague or strange status that is a code for breast cancer awareness.
But, the truth is that none of these things is true sacrifice. None is accomplishing much at all, other than making us feel like better people. So, the next time you consider changing your profile picture to show your support for a movement, be sure to actually donate some of your hard-earned money to the cause as well. And, I will do the same.
It’s time that we put our money where our status updates are. And then maybe we can use social media for more than just talking about helping. We can actually use real money to make a difference in real people’s lives. Once we’ve done that, we can freely educate and make people of aware of the issues we’re passionate about, selfies and all.
You are three of the coolest kids I know, and I will gladly spend all of your growing up years loving you in the best way I know how. I will make a million sandwiches and kiss hundreds of boo boos. I will sing loudly in the car to your favorite songs, and I will wink at you when no one else is looking. I will be your cheerleader, your counselor, your dance party dj, and your personal shopper.
But, there are a few things I will not do for you.
I will not create a princess carriage or a pirate ship in your room. Count on it. It will never happen. Because the bunk bed we bought on Craigslist works fine. Because you love snuggling into your little Kmart comforters and whispering until late into the night in your little room stuffed with boy toys and girl toys and lots and lots and lots of books. Because you are happy. Without a pirate ship to sleep in.
I will not make lunches that look like Miss Piggy. First of all, because this combination of food doesn’t look like something that kids eat. And secondly because I have real things to do, like washing socks and underwear, taking a shower, picking you up from school, and generally doing anything else that is sort of productive. Turning twisty pasta into blonde ringlets to frame a pig’s sandwich face isn’t high on my list of priorities. And, you are happy with your regular sandwiches, minus crust, in Ziploc bags from the Dollar Store. Sometimes I even throw in a note telling you how much I love you. You seem to like that.
I will not buy you designer clothes. You are children. You make messes. You pretend to be dogs a lot. You white out the knees of your pants and stretch out the hems of your shirts. When you come crawling through the living room barking like puppies, I don’t want to be so bothered by the fact that you’re ruining your cool pants that I can’t enjoy the moment. And, truth be told, y’all, you probably won’t ever get designer clothes. But, you’ll generally be happier people if you learn to be just as satisfied with a cute shirt from JCPenney. Right now you couldn’t care less. If it has cats or dogs or dinosaurs on it, you are pleased.
I will not make amazing homemade teacher gifts. As much as I admire the craftiness of my fellow mothers, you don’t seem to be the least bit concerned that I didn’t stay up until one in the morning melting crayons down into an awesome personalized piece of teacher art. You guys just march into school with your Sonic giftcards with no qualms at all, and after school your teachers get a cherry lime aide. Win-win. Especially the part where I didn’t stay up until one in the morning.
And, finally, I will not rush your childhood. I will give you plenty of time to play. I’ll make sure you are eating and bathing and using your imaginations. I will play with you. I will turn off the TV and the computer and my phone. I will look you in the eye and I will try my hardest to remember every precious moment of life with my three babies. I won’t rush you, kids. And, I won’t fall over myself trying to be supermom, either. You are happy with your little room and your little lunches and your little clothes and my lack of craft inspiration. In fact, I’m pretty sure you don’t give any of those things much thought. What you will remember of these years with me, my babies, is not what I did or didn’t do for you, but how I made you feel. I hope you feel all of my love.
So, our cat is somehow the most popular cat in the neighborhood these days. Every time I go outside now, there is a gang of cats hanging out around our house. It’s like they all want to be around the cool new cat in the neighborhood. I think when we adopted her we unwittingly opened a cat youth center. Oh, well, at least we’re keeping them out of the drug scene. If they’ll hang out at our house instead of getting into trouble I’ll make sure I keep plenty of Meow Mix on hand.
In case you are wondering how things are working out with the new cat, there’s this:
They both seem pretty happy. I feel pleased that she hasn’t died or run away yet, even though I am a bit suspicious of her cat gang. I hope she’s not a notorious cat crime ring leader, who was just waiting to get sprung from the shelter so she could resume her regular criminal activity. I’m not sure what kind of crimes that cats commit. Trash strewing? Bird eating? Using another cat’s litter box? That happens, you know. Ask me how I know.
Yes, we have a litter box in our garage because we keep the cat in there at night. Let’s just say that there’s no way she is the lone producer of the contents of that box. And, as one who often (okay, sometimes) has to clean that box, I think it should definitely be considered a cat crime.
And right about now you’re wondering, Melissa, are you really going to make this whole post about your cat?
Well, I’m glad you asked. The answer is no. I’m going to talk about cats.
When I was a kid we lived out in the country. I got a cat, whom I predictably named Patches. Patches was quite an ugly cat, with sort of a, well, patchy pattern on her back. She was skinny and long and she loved for me to come outside and sit with her in the sun and stroke her ugly fur. Well, one day we realized that Patches was great with child. As a matter of fact, she was so great that she birthed nine, yes, nine kittens in her first litter. Well, things sort of advanced from there, as you might imagine, and before we knew it, we had over thirty cats running around our place.
We always had adorable fluffy kittens toddling around. I remember one day one of the cats had just had a fresh litter and was keeping them in a box on our front porch. I said goodnight to them and the next morning when I woke up, I went out to discover that all of the kittens had been eaten by something. What an uplifting story for your Friday!
The point is that when I see this gang of cats hanging around our house I can’t help but wonder if we’re somehow headed toward a thirty cat scenario up in here. And, if that happens, I will wonder if I am actually destined to become that crazy cat lady that we all talk about. Is it possible for one girl to be fatefully handed a thirty cat situation twice in her life?
This is kind of what my yard looks like! Only not nearly as cute.
And, while our lovely little kitty isn’t capable of having babies, I can’t speak for the other cats in her gang. But, they sure do look comfortable around my house and in my garage.
Do you see the kinds of things that keep me up at night?
And, apparently being a crazy cat lady is so common or so cool or so something that there are real life products out there that you can buy to demonstrate your cat craziness. Can you see me in this next fall?
Well, if these cats do multiply and if they hang around and take over the neighborhood, or if I find out that our cat is, in fact, some kind of feline mob boss that is running her crime ring from our carport, I suppose all I can do is accept the fact that God wants me to be terribly, inexplicably intertwined with a great and mighty herd of cats.
Maybe I, a non-cat person, should just embrace my role as the resident crazy cat lady and stop fretting so much about the intentions of the cat gang. After all, I was well trained for this job as a kid. And, I think, at least I’m pretty sure, that if there is pink home décor about ladies like me, that must mean that this is a pretty legitimate role.
In the end, if I do wind up becoming a crazy cat lady, I’ll just have to remind myself that it all started because of one little freckle faced girl who was made supremely happy by her fluffy black and white shelter rescue. And, if someday that cat turns out to be one of the great evil cat geniuses of our time, I think that that little girl will love her just the same.
And, I suppose, for that, I can handle a little cat craziness. Plus, there ARE cute sweatshirts.
Oh, come on. Admit it. If you have children (and maybe if you don’t), you have seen Frozen. More than once. Ok, be honest. You know all of the songs by heart, and you probably belt them out in your car. Or maybe you’re more of a lip-syncer, like this couple:
I love how the video is titled “Good Looking Parents Sing Disney’s Frozen.” Yes, they’re adorable. Thanks for rubbing it in, YouTube.
So, even if you’re not the good looking Frozen lip-syncing type, you CAN use your kids’ obsession with the movie to their spiritual advantage. As Christian parents, we don’t have to be limited to exclusively Christian content when we look for ways to teach our children about God’s love. And, Frozen offers all kinds of options for us when we want to open up spiritual conversations with our children.
Option One: Dead Parents…Again!
Why is it that the most dangerous job in any animated movie is being someone’s mother? In true kid movie fashion, Anna and Elsa’s parents spend about five minutes showing us how awesome they are, and then they die in a terrible disaster at sea, never to be seen or heard from again. Their demise gives us opportunity to talk to our kids about death. Here are the types of questions we could ask:
What do you think happens when people die?
What do you think Heaven is like?
How do we get to Heaven?
We can listen to their answers thoughtfully, and show them what the Bible says about Heaven and believing in Jesus. Even if we do more listening than talking (depending on the ages of our children), this offers a great chance to see how much our little ones know and understand about salvation.
Option Two: Real Love (the Fixer-Upper Version)
Throughout the movie we see Anna begin to depend more and more on good ole Kristoph, and he endears himself to us and to her, despite his apparent hygiene issues. Olaf even describes what real love is when he talks about Kristoph late in the movie, saying that love is “putting someone else before yourself.” This is a great opportunity to talk to our kids about what it looks like to show love to others.
Here are some good questions to ask:
Why do you think Kristoff left Anna at the castle with Hans when he didn’t want to?
Why do you think he told Anna not to worry about his ice business, even though it was a real problem for him?
What are some ways that we can put someone else before ourselves?
What are some ways we can show real love to each other?
This conversation can easily be tailored to all kinds of situations that your family may be dealing with, from girl drama at school, to marriage issues, to taking care not to exclude kids who don’t have many friends. We can look at the love chapter and talk about how we can do a better job in our family of loving each other with the kind of love God calls us to. And, we can tackle the ever-difficult topic of loving our enemies.
Option Three: Real Love (the Sisters Before Misters Version)
One of my favorite things about the movie is the fact that it isn’t romantic love that saves the day, but love between two sisters. Through the entire movie we see Elsa and Anna making sacrifices for each other, putting each others’ needs ahead of their own. Elsa stays locked away and lonely for her entire life for fear of hurting Anna again. Anna refuses to give up on her sister, despite the fact that she has no idea for all those years why Elsa will have nothing to do with her. And, of course, in the ultimate act of true love, we see Anna sacrifice her own life to save her sister.
These plot elements are perfect for talking about two types of sacrificial love. One is the love that we should have for one another. We can piggy-back this conversation with the talk about Kristoff and Anna. Of course, this would be a good moment to teach our kids John 15:13: Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. We can talk to our children about the importance of loyalty in friendship, and loving others, even annoying siblings, with a love that is deep and real. We can discuss how real love sometimes requires real action, like standing up for someone.
Here are some good questions to ask:
Why do you think Anna stood between Else and Hans?
Why do you think the Bible says we should love our friends with that kind of love?
What are some specific actions we can take to show love to our friends at school?
What can we do when it is difficult to love someone?
The other type of sacrificial love that we can talk about is the love of Jesus Christ. We can point out to the children that, like Anna put herself between Elsa and Hans, Jesus put himself between us and God. We can teach them why we need a Savior and explain how much more Jesus endured than just death on a cross. Of course, the analogy is not perfect, but we can use it as a great jumping off place to talk to our kids about Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection.
Here are some questions we could ask:
We need Jesus to rescue us. Do you know why?
Why do you think Jesus would die for us?
Our hearts aren’t frozen, but what in our hearts can be changed by Jesus’ love?
And, once we have talked about these things and the kids run off to play while we go about our day (while singing the songs, of course), we can pray that something in our conversation brought about a bit of tenderness in their hearts toward the incredible news of the gospel. And, once we have opened up the topic, we may be surprised how the kids will begin to be reminded of the gospel in other unlikely places.
Then, my friends, we are beginning to instill a Christian worldview in our kids. Before long, they will be seeing lots of things through the lens of the great love story of Jesus Christ.
I call that a successful day of parenting. And, if you happen to end up becoming a good looking couple lip-syncing Frozen songs on YouTube in the process, good for you. If not, well, there’s always the shower. Don’t be bitter about those good looking parents, though. Just let it go.
Lately there has been lots of talk about the “grey” in the Bible. Conservative Christians are supposedly waking up from their stunted, abusive, check-your-intellect-at-the-door sham of a faith and realizing that the Bible on their shelves is a lot more grey than it is black and white. And, what a relief for them! It is so nice, they say, to put aside the oppressive teachings of the youth groups they once thought were awesome. It’s incredible to finally understand that the Bible is only a book, albeit a pretty good one, written by lots of flawed humans, handed down through all kinds of unenlightened cultures, compiled by who knows what kinds of means (by more flawed humans) and finally given to us as a laughably irrelevant guide to life in 2014. I mean, come on, what did Jesus know about gay marriage?
And, it’s wonderful, they say, to be able to distance themselves from the big, bad, mean church. It’s nice to be able to say to the world, Hey, world, you big ball of grey, blurry, undefined truth, I’m with you! I’m nothing like those so-called church people (*cough, Pharisees*). And they write their blogs and they tell and retell all that the church is that they hate. And they tell and retell all that everything else is that they love. There is no “right” way to interpret the Bible, they say. And they embrace the “grey” that lets them blend into the great lostness of this world.
The questions, they say, are more important than the answers. Who cares what the answers are, they ask, as long as you’re sincere? Even things the Bible seems to be clear on are not really clear when you take into account the cultural influences of the day in which they were written, and then of course there’s the whole angry misogynistic god issue, and in the end it’s really better to just quote the love chapter a lot and talk about how Jesus would do the exact opposite of whatever the church is doing.
And during all of this talk which is peppered with many references to themselves as great warriors of peace and love, there is an important element of the gospel which is noticeably absent: the truth.
And, there is no grey in the truth. It stands out clearly against the drab landscape of a world that is writhing in the agony of sin and strife. This truth is so crisply black and white that it glows plainly through the fog of confusion and “progressive” thinking and the lie that says that sin isn’t our real problem. This is the truth that calls humans sinful. It calls God holy. It shines a light on our desperate need for a Savior. And this truth challenges us in the most incomprehensible, yet beautiful way, to strive for holiness, even if it is unpopular (which it is), even if it makes us look like we’re trying too hard (which could never happen), even if it makes this whole grey world, even the grey Christians, hate us immensely for our stupidity, for our foolish devotion to an outdated book, for our crazy desire to live out the radical faith that it calls us to. And, most importantly, for our willingness to call sin what it is, a terrible offense against a Holy God, and a reason for great humility and repentance.
I have no doubt that the grey Christians are sincere in their desire to love the lost. But, the grey areas of their faith tell them that they cannot love while believing the tougher truths of the Bible. So, they call those truths fuzzy and call the church judgmental and they declare to the world that those who live in the black and white are ruining Christianity.
But, there is a better way. It is a delicate balance of truth and love, which Jesus so clearly demonstrates throughout His ministry. It is deep, crazy, genuine love that demands clear and honest truth-telling. Love and truth are excellent partners, and are necessary if we are to love God with all we have and love others with the kind of love that is completely different from anything the world offers. It is a black and white love, and a black and white truth, and when we drop the truth because of fear and discomfort, we drop the true love of the gospel message.
We are sinners who need God. No grey, no exceptions, no cultural nuances. That is truth. And that is love.
Today I watched my two youngest playing together in the backyard. Sawyer is six and Emerald is 22 months, and believe me, they don’t always enjoy each other’s company. But, for the most part, she adores him, and he dotes on her, down to giving her anything in his hand that she wants. Adelade was at dance class, so it was a rare opportunity for Sawyer to be the big brother, thinking he was totally in charge of things, even though I was keeping a close watch from the kitchen window. I was curious to see if he would “forget” my charge to keep an eye on her.
I watched as he led her around by the hand, changing directions as her whims demanded. He took her from toy to toy, held the swing steady so she could climb on, and then gently rocked her back and forth. I saw him carefully explain with way too much detail how she should go about climbing onto the spring horse, and then I watched her try to follow his instructions while he hoisted her into place and held onto her leg to keep her centered. She stayed atop the horse for exactly 3.2 seconds, which is about the length of time she stays anyplace, but he was completely unfazed and carefully helped her down. In all of the instructing (Okay, put your feet here, Emerald. No, right here, on the pedals. Like this. Not exactly. Let me help you.) and all of the cheering (Good job, Emerald! You got on the swing by yourself! Now hold on and I’ll push you, but don’t be afraid, it’s going to be fun!) and all of the mind-changing (The car? Okay, let’s ride the little car. No? Oh, you want to get back on the swing? Ok, Emerald, let’s go back over there.), I detected not one ounce of impatience in Sawyer.
I think if Emerald had indicated that she wanted to paint his hair green and take a bath in ketchup he would’ve run in looking for paint and condiments. He was 100% focused on her, and he didn’t mind her baby-ness or the way she didn’t really understand how to do things that he knew how to do. I could see his clear and sincere love for her. He was enjoying teaching her how to be a kid, and when she made even tiny amounts of progress during that process, he was genuinely pleased, and told her so.
While I watched all of this sweetness unfold, it dawned on me that what I was seeing was a beautiful picture of what discipleship should be. When someone is new to the Christian faith, we sometimes act as if she should automatically know how to live as a Christian. Often we leave new believers on their own, expecting them to figure out how to grow in their faith, how to know God more, and how to deal with the sin in their lives. We unintentionally abandon them, when they know no more about the Bible or about the narrow way than a baby knows about climbing onto a spring horse.
We should be more like Sawyer, patiently guiding them, step by step, not getting frustrated when they are learning to mature in their faith, but instead cheering them on in every small victory along the way. In Titus 2, Paul gives plenty of ideas of what good discipleship looks like: it is about teaching, loving, and living lives that don’t cause anyone to look down on the gospel. We all need mentoring. And as we grow in wisdom and in truth, we can help guide others, with the patience of a six year old boy who loves helping out his little sister.
I doubt I’ll soon forget the precious scene that I witnessed through my kitchen window today. Sawyer did well with his little charge. I pray that as I try to disciple my own children and other people God sends my way that I will do it with as much kindness, patience and joy as Sawyer had in the backyard. No pushing, no frustration, just gentleness and cheering.
Imagine that a man gets up to speak to a crowd, and he tells them that women are dumb. Imagine that he jokes that having a wife is like having another child to look after. Imagine that he tells this hilarious joke: Women are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
There’s no doubt he would be run out of town and labeled a sexist jerk forever.
Now imagine that a woman stood up and said the same things about men. She would be considered witty and wise.
Tune into any female comedian, writer, or commentator, and you’ll find that male bashing is a favorite topic of conversation. Men, according to these women, are nothing more than money in the bank account and sperm donors. It seems that women have free reign to say whatever they want about men, and it’s deemed acceptable, and, for the most part, true.
And, we’ve all done it. We hear it so much we do it without even thinking. When we do this, we send messages to our husbands that we don’t respect them, that we enjoy belittling and embarrassing them, and that their feelings aren’t important. Are our husbands used to this talk? Of course, they’ve heard it their entire lives in a million different forms. But, they are not made better by it. They aren’t convicted by it or motivated to change when we talk this way. In fact, they are probably resolved that they cannot make women happy, that no matter how hard they work or how much they sacrifice or how wonderful they are, women are still going to say, Yeah, but you are still just a baby in a man’s clothes. If it weren’t for me, you would be a wandering idiot with no sense of where to go or what to do.
It’s sad.
But, what’s even more sad is what we’re saying to our sons when we talk this way. Somehow we act as if little boys are a special breed of male, not having reached the magic age that suddenly makes them dumb and basically useless. But, what do you think happens to little boys who spend their entire childhood listening to their mothers discuss how moronic men are, how immature and how helpless they are? Is this the role that we want our boys fulfilling one day? Do we want to teach our boys that they can dream of being whoever they want to be, as long as they are aware that the main thing they’ll be is an idiot? We are killing their notions that they can be the strong and smart heroes that they want to be. They may dream of being like their daddies someday, and all the while we are telling them their daddies are dummies, and they will grow up to be dummies, too.
We are wounding our boys and our men in very real ways with this foolish way of talking. And, we are certainly doing nothing to inspire future generations of men to be more of what we want.
So, I implore you, 2014 women: let’s be a little more enlightened, a little more mature, and let’s show our boys that they and their daddies are respect-able, competent hero material. And, when we, the very first lesson-teachers, do this little thing that is so big, our boys get a trusted reflection of what they need to become just by looking in our faces and hearing our encouraging words.
When I was in the third or fourth grade, the school in my small hometown got a Gifted and Talented program. The program was apparently designed to identify which kids are especially bright, who may need some extra activities and projects at school to help hold their interest.
Well, I was fully convinced that my genius had not been appreciated or recognized by anyone around me. I was ecstatic about the prospect of showing the whole world that I was truly gifted, and to be honest, there was no doubt at all in my nine year old brain that I would be a shoe-in for the program. In fact, I imagined that the G/T teachers would actually feel honored to be able to work with someone of my ilk, a rare brain that is just waiting to be mined for all of its brilliance.
I remember well the day they tested us. Part of the test was oral, part was written, and there was even a section where we were asked to draw a picture. One thing I remember they asked in the oral section was how many miles it is around the earth. I’m pretty sure I guessed a million. And, I just recently googled that, and let’s just say I was off. Way off. The picture drawing section had a black oval on it, and the test asked us to incorporate the oval into a drawing. I made the oval the top part of a shoe print. And then I drew shoe prints all over the page. I thought it was brilliant. At one point I glanced over at another girl’s drawing, and she had drawn a huge chicken sitting on top of the oval. Ha! I scoffed. I’ll bet everyone did that! I am UNIQUE!
The testing ended, and I waited with great anticipation for weeks before a letter came in the mail. It felt like I was opening an acceptance letter from Harvard. I can’t do it! I told my mother. You look! I said this with a feigned humility that would allow me the opportunity to appear shocked and honored when she announced that I had made the program. Maybe the letter would even say that I had a genius IQ. I mean, after all, the shoe prints!
She carefully opened the envelope and read in silence. Then she sadly reached out and patted my shoulder. I was confused. I snatched the letter from her hand and read the unbelievable words for myself: At this time, Melissa has not been identified as Gifted and Talented. Yes, I actually have received a letter in my life that confirmed beyond any doubt that I am actually not gifted OR talented.
As you might imagine, it took some time for me to recover from this revelation. It was the first in a long series of events in my life that allowed me to see that, despite my notions that I was a closet genius, I am actually just a girl of fairly average intelligence. The lesson hit hard later when I came face to face with geometry for the first time. And again when I went to grad school and realized that I was easily the most confused person in the room on most days.
And, guess who was crowned Miss Gifted and Talented of Small Town Texas that year? Chicken picture girl. And, you know what? I think they were right. And, I’ll bet she guessed slightly less than a million on the miles around the earth question.
I spent years of my life believing that I was a genius when I wasn’t. Sure, most of those years were spent in diapers or at recess, but still. I thought that my brain was something special. And, I think we all have things about us that we wonder why God made us this way or why He didn’t make us that way. But, you know what I learned about God when I found out that I am “officially” ungifted and untalented? I learned that He can make impossible things possible. I learned that He can turn us into whatever He wants us to be. And, I learned that I don’t have to be the best at everything to be who He has called me to be.
He designed some people to be geniuses. Me, not so much. But, He did give me other abilities. And He HAS gifted me with talents that I can use to glorify His name. Even if those talents don’t pertain to shoe print pictures.
God makes us unique, and makes us for specific jobs. So, when we are disappointed by how we turned out, we can take heart and know that He has a perfect plan, and He is trustworthy. I mean, if we all drew chicken pictures the world would be a terribly boring place. Let your special gifts glorify His name, and don’t compare talents. You are meant for something unique.
So, no. I never claimed the title of Gifted and Talented. But, I did manage to become God’s own daughter somewhere along the way, and now I let Him tell me who I am. And occasionally I still scoff at the chicken picture. I mean, come on. Shoe prints!
The other day it finally rained in our parched little town. We’re in the middle of a drought, and the torrential rainfall was such a welcome and strange sight. It rained so much in such a short time that the streets began flooding, which, believe me, no one minded at all. After so many long months with very little rain, it was nice to see the ditches and roadways overflowing with rushing water. When Adelade saw the water filling the roadways, she commented: Daddy said that Disney World has drainage problems. What?? Well, we went to Disney World when Adelade was five years old. She’s nine now, but she remembered walking the streets of Disney hand in hand with her Daddy after an afternoon rain. While they walked, he told her–you guessed it–that Disney World has drainage problems.
Kids have minds like gloriously uncluttered steel traps. If she remembers some completely inconsequential thing that her daddy told her four years ago, before she even started kindergarten, how much more does she remember about the important stuff she’s seen and heard?
As adults we often tend to believe that kids aren’t paying attention. But, we teach them so many things when we don’t even realize that they’re tuned in. And, for the record, kids are always tuned in, even when they seem mesmerized by the TV. Here are five things we teach our kids when we don’t know they’re watching.
1. We teach them how to treat others. Our kids notice everything about our interactions with other people. Even when they seem engrossed in all of the cool stuff near the checkout at the store, they are aware of how the adults around them are behaving. If we are rude to a clerk, they see it. If we speak harshly to our spouse, they take notice. If we call our friend and say mean things about someone, they are watching. They pay attention to our dealings with other adults because they are trying to figure out how grown ups act. They see us as prime examples of how to be in social situations. So, when we show them that people’s feelings don’t matter, we are training them to be bullies. We are showing them that being rude and offended and harsh are our favorite ways to be. And, most of all, we are teaching them that our faith has no bearing on our treatment of others. Instead, we should live out this truth: Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12
2. We teach them how to be husbands and wives. Our kids know many married people. But, only one couple is with them at all hours of the day and night. Only one couple deals in stress, romance, prayer, sacrifice, compromise, disagreements, and fun right under their roof day in and day out. As their parents, we are their number one source of information on what it’s like to be married. And, they are watching how we deal with things. Most children eventually leave their parents’ house determined to have a marriage either just like their parents’ or just the opposite of it. Many an adult is still dealing with the repercussions of bad examples that persisted in their parents’ marriages. And many are trying to break cycles that hurt their parents’ marriages and are now hurting theirs. Christian marriages are designed to be a clear picture of the gospel. How much gospel did we show our kids in our interactions with our spouses today? What if this was what our kids learned by watching us be married: Love suffers long, and is kind; love does not envy; love does not promote itself, is not puffed up, does not behave badly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 1Corinthians 13:4-8
3. We teach them how we feel about them. How often do we talk about our children while they are standing nearby? How often do we apologize for them, tell embarrassing stories about them, laugh at them, all in the name of being “authentic” or trying to be entertaining? How often do we complain about the tasks of parenthood, or act like we would be happier if they were someplace else? How often do we tell others that our kids are getting on our nerves or imply that we would rather not deal with them at all? This is a growing trend among moms and dads, especially with social media such a tempting and often hilarious outlet for complaining about our kids. But, every once in awhile we should stop and imagine that someone we love dearly is saying such things about us. What if we learned our husband posted a Facebook status like this: My wife has not. stopped. talking. since I got home. Is it bedtime yet? #silenceisgolden No husband in his right mind would ever post such a thing. Yet, we seem to think that our children will not be bothered when we say such things about them. I’m not saying parenting isn’t hard, but we can support each other in the trenches of parenting without making our children feel like annoyances. We can gift our children with kind words: Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Proverbs 16:24
4. We teach them how to handle injustice. Imagine your child was passed over for a part in a play at school that you feel he would be perfect for. You know he had the lines memorized, that he basically embodied the essence of the character, and that there is no way that anyone trying out could do a better job than he did. Quick, what would you do? If your first thought was that you would march up to the drama teacher and give her a piece of your mind, or that you would speak with the school principal and try to get him the part anyway, then you need to take a breath. We are so quick to rush in and try to fix all of life’s hiccups for our kids. When we go over people’s heads, when we bargain and complain and act rudely when our kids have been “done wrong,” we are teaching them a terribly bad habit. It would be better, on casting day, to pat your son on the back, commend him for doing the best job that he could do, and encourage him to try again next time. Because, let’s all say it together: Life’s not fair. And, the sooner our kids realize that disappointments will come, that things don’t always go their way, the better off they will be. Rushing in to try and force good fortune for our kids leads to feelings of entitlement in our children, and that is one of the worst attitudes to get over once it has a hold on you. Our kids will fail sometimes. People will miss their greatness sometimes. But, Jesus’ greatness was missed, too. And the injustice He suffered was like no other. We can teach our kids how to deal with disappointments humbly and graciously. In fact, the Bible says that a little injustice can be good for us: Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James1:2-4
5. We teach them how to be a Christian. Our faith matters to our kids. The way we live it out, and whether it makes a difference in the way we act or the way we view things or the way we are behind closed doors. We are often guilty of saying one thing and doing another. But, our kids see the inconsistencies. They wonder how a movie that is too bad for them could be good for us. They consider how much compassion and grace we have, how much our faith colors our willingness to apologize. They are watching. Are we giving them a clear picture of what Christianity is? Are we building a faith that gets stronger with each passing year? Are we teaching them to pray and to make the Bible the ultimate authority of their lives? These are hard things to live out. But, trying to be more like Christ has many benefits. One is that we become more like Christ. The other is that our kids see more of Christ every single day of their lives. It’s a win-win situation, even if we do have to do some painful soul-searching. Jesus said let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16 Maybe an even higher and more difficult calling is to shine our light before our kids, through the good and the bad, the mundane and the crazy. They are watching. And they are worth shining for.
Disney World (with its drainage problems) recently put out a new commercial, and through the whole thing the dad is obviously trying to make memories with his preteen daughter. But, every time he looks at her she seems engrossed in texting on her phone. Then finally, at the end, she texts her dad this message: Best. Vacation. Ever. with a picture of the two of them in front of Cinderella’s castle. It’s a great reminder that kids are very much present in the moment, even when they seem to be distracted. Every moment matters. If we seek God and shine His light in our families, our kids will be learning all of the most important lessons. Even when they are staring at the TV. Shine on!
Today a good old west Texas dust storm blew in. The sky took on a red hue as the dirt filled the sky and filled our noses and made our eyes water. It reminds me of our days in Lubbock, when looking out our window would sometimes reveal what looked like an alien planet, a weird glowing redness having transformed the street where we lived.
Adelade was in her room working on math homework. I pointed to the sky and she looked through the glass of her now dusty window and noticed for the first time how red things were getting. I told her that it was a dust storm, and she immediately threw down her pencil with panic. She said, I read a book about this. The Dust Bowl. People die from this! I could see the gears in her practical little head turning as she tried to remember what we must do to prevent being suffocated by this dust storm. I quickly explained that this little dust up is harmless, other than making us sneeze a lot. But, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her in that moment when her fear was so real.
Just a few weeks ago she brought home a paper she had written at school. It was about our family. She spent several sentences describing Chad and me, and then came the statement that stopped me in my tracks. She wrote:
They are never scared.
And, there it was. In all of its third grade, carefully printed glory. An untruth about me that my child believes with all of her heart. A non-reality that she has been convinced of because of calm talk and joking and deliberately slowed breathing and my demands that my heart stop pounding out of my chest when we are in scary situations. I have tried to stay steady even when I am so very unsteady because I don’t want my children to worry. And yet, here she stood, panicked in the middle of her cozy bedroom because some dust was blowing around outside.
And I knew exactly how she felt. Fear is not always based on reality. In fact, most of the time our fear is about what might happen instead of what is actually happening. The truth is that we are all scared, in our own ways. We all have our pet worries and fears. And, we all try to hide our anxiety while we tremble inside. But, there is good news for us when we are standing in the middle of the dust storms of life that make us panic.
The Bible says that worrying is basically a waste of good brain power. It says that none of us can add even a second to our lives by worrying about what’s going to happen next. It even tells us that God doesn’t give us a spirit of fear, but one of power and love and self-discipline. Can you believe that? He says that He gives us power. Not as in power to control every situation to our satisfaction. But, power to live a life that is not ruled by fear.
So, the next time we see that eerie red dirt rolling over the horizon of our lives, heading straight for us with its likely harmless blowing, let’s remember that God is not worried and He doesn’t think we should be either. And, then on the rare occasion when we see an actual tornado tearing its way through our little world, we can lean on Him still, and trust that when He said we don’t have to be afraid, He meant it.
When Adelade headed to bed tonight, the wind was still blowing that red dirt all around. And, tomorrow she will get up and go to school and sneeze a lot. That’s west Texas for you. But, I pray we won’t waste any brain power on worrying. We need those brain cells to figure out third grade math. Yes, I just wrote that.
So, don’t worry about tomorrow, my friends. It’ll take good care of itself. You just concentrate on trusting God, and everything else is just long division.
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